Something I hear from my clients a lot is, “How do I move past an argument when I feel like I’m always the one who’s wrong?”
Let’s start with this: The idea that someone is ‘right’ or ‘wrong,’ or that there’s a winner or a loser in an argument between you and your person – this winner/loser mindset – is a false belief.
It’s not about who ‘wins,’ ‘loses,’ or even about compromise. It’s about the two of you, working at a solution together.
The Winner/Loser Mindset is a Yellow Flag in a Relationship
When we believe in a winner/loser dichotomy, we believe that it’s important to ‘win’ the argument – and we are focused on that, rather than figuring out what’s best for us both.
If you notice this kind of behavior pattern in your arguments, the best thing you can do for your partner and for your relationship is to stop and really think about what’s happening – recognize and pay close attention to what you’re doing and why AND more importantly, address it with your person as soon as possible.
When we hold on to negative patterns even after becoming aware of them, we are knowingly damaging our relationships.
Address False Beliefs and Negative Patterns With Your Partner
It’s important to address the pattern of behavior directly. You must pay attention to the false belief you hold and how you deal with it, by asking yourself:
1. What’s the false belief I hold about myself?
In this example, it’s that you’re always the ‘loser’ of arguments with your person.
2. What is the coping mechanism I use to try to manage that false belief?
Do you hold your ground and insist that you’re right?
Give your partner what they want?
Manipulate them into giving you what you want?
Give them the silent treatment?
3. Where do I enter in the victim (or drama) triangle?
The victim triangle typically consists of the personas of victim, persecutor, and rescuer.
You might feel that you’re always treated unfairly, i.e. you’re always the victim, or you might feel that you need to be right or persecute or complain about others, or that you need to ‘rescue’ or help others, to feel good about yourself.
When we give into the winner/loser mindset, we’re jumping onto the victim triangle. We’re assigning blame, we’re accepting blame, we’re doing everything except actually solving the problem.
Two is Better Than One When Problem-Solving
When you communicate and work together to come up with a solution to the conflict that works for you both, you’re creating a win-win ending!
You don’t have to compromise, not really. The solution can work for both of you. Remember, when you focus on “Good for me, good for thee,” you’re going to help to make your love work.
In the following video, I elaborate on how false beliefs and negative patterns can damage our relationships, and how you can move yourself and your partner out of these patterns.